Category: depression

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Blame Game

Life is filled with questions.  One of the most pressing questions is why do bad things happen to good people?  Why is it that seemingly good people at times cannot catch a break?  Why do hurricanes, flooding and wild fires cause so much damage?  Why do children die?  Why do car wrecks, cancer, murder, famine and a million other unexplainable and horrific things happen?

Humans have a deep desire to want to blame unfortunate situations on someone or something.    I think in part, because if something can be explained in some way there is hope it can be prevented from happening to them. Blame often gives a false sense of control over situations.

People, both religious and not, tend to throw a lot of blame at God.  God caused this to happen.  God allowed this to happen.  God could have stopped this from happening.  God could fix this if He just would.  God this.  God that.  Truthfully, from time to time I have found myself searching for answers in difficult times and yes at times, I have tried throwing God under the bus.

My family and I have had more than our share of bumpy roads and curve balls over the past six years.  We have had 2 cancer diagnosis; 16 surgeries, with number 17 right around the corner; radiation; chemotherapy; 4 family members die; 3 friends die; 2 pets die; 1 pet killed; 1 chronically ill pet; we have been significantly betrayed on two different occasions by people we deeply trusted; totaled a vehicle; moved twice; been unemployed; experienced family estrangement, had two different family members move in and live with us; had a vehicle broken into; had $8,000 stolen; been falsely accused and had our character attacked; and battled suicide.  During this time period, we have had some people come right out and ask, and I am sure even more think, what my family is doing wrong that would put us in a place to experience all these stressors and losses.

I think consideration should be given to re-writing the narrative of the question.  As humans we often ask “why me” … when difficult, heartbreaking things happen in our lives.  When the question should be what is so extraordinary about me that I should be exempt from these things?  Or in essence, “why not me”.

The truth is bad things, sad things, hurtful things, happen to people because life is messy, life is hard and life is often unfair.  Generally speaking, bad things do not befall people because they are doing something wrong.  Nor is God sitting in heaven zapping people with tragedy because He is disappointed in them or trying to get their attention.

It has been my experience, tragedies rarely have any explanation, much less a reasonable one.   Why does one person survive cancer while another does not; why does one child die while another thrives; why does one marriage survive while another couple divorces; why can one couple readily get pregnant and another struggles with infertility; why are some families estranged and others are not?  The questions are infinite and the answers are elusive.

One of the hardest things in life is desperately wanting answers when there are none.  Sometimes, I believe the best we can do is try to find meaning in or lessons through the heartache.

 

 

 

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Living Through Suicide

A 1978 study by Dr. Richard Seiden from the University of California, Berkeley showed that people who were stopped from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge rarely went on to die by suicide.  He studied what happened to 515 people who went to the Golden Gate Bridge to die, but who were stopped by California Highway Patrol Officers.  Of the 515 people whose attempt was interrupted, only 35 later died by suicide in future years.

A year after my brush with suicide, which you can read about here, I have found Dr. Seiden’s evidence suggesting a suicidal crisis is very often temporary, is spot on.  As I look back over the last 12-months, I cannot say life has always worked out as I hoped.  But I can say I have worked hard and am still working to develop healthy coping skills.

Living through suicide looks different for everyone.  For me, looking back over the past year I am grateful for life, even the bad days.  In retrospect, it is sobering to me what I would have missed had I died this time last year.  Small things like beautiful sunsets, delicious cups of coffee, watching my favorite teams win sporting events, feeling a cool breeze on my skin, hearing a baby laugh, experiencing my dogs being sweet, hugs from loved ones, long walks, bike rides, Sunday afternoon naps, garden fresh vegetables, and rainbows after a thunderstorm.

I would have missed laughing with friends, conversations with my wife, connections with other humans, music, movies, art, theater, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, butterflies, birds, flowers blooming, the smell of cut grass, ice cream, Mexican food, soaking in a tub, candles, puppies, sunshine on my face, Spring rains, and good books.

I would have given up the chance to give and receive love, comfort grieving family and friends, encourage those whom are struggling, pray for those in need, or support those being challenged.  I would have lost the ability to be a loving wife, friend, or family member.

Most significant to me, I would have not been here to walk with my wife through her rectal cancer diagnosis and treatment.  I would not have been here to go with her to doctor appointments, radiation, surgery and all the other million things that go with cancer.  I would not have been here to try to make her laugh when she is afraid, sad or in pain or assure her she will make it through this battle and come out the other side.  I would have not been here to tell her how proud I am of her, how much I believe in her, or how much I love her.  I would have missed the chance to support her, love her and to make this arduous journey less grueling.  In essence, I would have missed the greatest honor of my life.

At this time last year, suicide seemed like not only a rational option, but the only option, for ending a period of tremendous pain.  With dozens of small acts, important people in my life helped me make it through that pain and directed me to resources to aid me in learning new, more effective, life-giving coping skills.  I am so grateful to every one of them.

It does get better and life now in some ways is sweeter than it has ever been.

 

 

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Oil and Water

I was born in Mississippi, on the cusp of the civil rights movement.  My first trip around the sun began the morning of December 31st.  I arrived to mixed reviews.  The paternal side of my family, convinced I was conceived prior to my parent’s wedding, were primarily thankful I was born 9 months and 7 days after the nuptials.  As their first and only grandchild, the maternal side of the family thought I was a gift from God who completed their world.  My parents viewed me more as a possession or an accessory, and to this day will tell anyone who asks, my greatest accomplishment in life was being a much-needed tax deduction the first year of their marriage.

My parents did not give much thought to being parents, which was clear by the fact I spent the first several months of my life sleeping in an opened dresser drawer and not a crib.  They believed the important things would come naturally, what did not come naturally they would wing and a nanny could be hired for everything else.

My mother stayed with me the first several weeks of my life.  But as time passed, my father gave her an ultimatum; go back to work or be a divorced, single mother at 22.

My parents discovered they had differing opinions on a multitude of things, many of which were important, basic tenants of their personal belief systems.  I imagine this happens with great frequency when two people do not know each other very well.

My father was the “rebound” person for my mother.  My mother had dated a man she deeply loved for 5 years.  When she heard he had supposedly been unfaithful to her with one of her best friends she immediately broke things off with him without discussion.  A few months later, she met the man who would become my father.  They dated for 3 months, became engaged and married three months later.  My maternal grandfather begged her not to marry my father, but my mother is a prideful woman and was convinced she knew best.

My knowledge of this story happened in a rather peculiar way.  I was about 13 or 14 years old and my mother asked me to get something out of her wallet.  I went to her purse, picked up her wallet and began looking for what she needed.  I came across a black and white wallet size professional photograph of a rather handsome young man in a suit and tie.  I asked my mother who the man was and she told me his name; but insisted I not mention him or the picture to my father.  I later asked my maternal grandmother about the man and she told me the story.  When telling the story, she seemed sad.  She said she never believed he was unfaithful, and if he was, he stood accused of only one kiss.  As she shook her head she said he was a good, kind man from an upstanding family.

My parents could not have come from more different backgrounds.  My father was raised as an obligatory Catholic. My paternal grandparents married when my grandmother was 13 and my grandfather was 18.  Until the shock and dismay of their elopement wore off, they rented a small attic space from a man in another town.  My grandmother was later diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and her husband was a philandering, evil man who taunted her.   Their home, often, was the staging area for shouting matches, derogatory remarks, emotional manipulation and exhaustive monologues about how unfair the world was to them.  They were ungrateful, stingy people with dead eyes who viewed humanity as a commodity.

There were three children born to this union and my father was the youngest and the only male.  My father was a momma’s boy and due to his gender and birth position he was the apple of her eye.  He was an average child by all accounts.  There was nothing in his life at which he excelled.  He did not play sports.  He was not musically interested or inclined.  In a good year, his grades were average and most years he would slide by from grade to grade.  He was tone-deaf, and as such, had a speech impediment which made it hard for most people to understand what he was saying.  I can imagine he was bullied in school for his odd way and peculiar speech.  At the age of 18 he had a full head of gray hair, which added to his unconventionality.  He did not date much, and as the story goes his longest relationship with a female, prior to my mother, was with a woman I later learned was a lesbian.

Due to his lack of interest in college and without any employment prospects, my father enlisted in the Marines.  He was stationed in Okinawa, Japan and to his credit was a member of the color guard.  For those unfamiliar with it, the Color Guard is responsible for rendering proper military honors in parades, ceremonies, funerals, etc. To be chosen for this was an honor and he represented the Marine Corps well.  He never saw combat and to his mother’s delight returned home no worse for the wear, in one piece, physically fit and much more disciplined.

After his discharge from the marines he went to a vocational school, where he met my mother.  He successfully completed this training and received certification.  However, he was toward the bottom of his class, and simply could not make the adjustment from the classroom to the work place.  Consequently, he went to work for the company where his father worked.  He was successful in this endeavor.  He found upward mobility achievable and the salary in the upper middle class range.  He remained in this employment until later in life when he was injured on the job and took early retirement.

My mother on the other hand was raised in a household where her parents were deeply in love, held hands daily until my grandfather died and never let anger rule the day.  Each were more concerned with the happiness of the other than their own.  They married on an Easter Sunday morning, when my grandfather was 18 and my grandmother was 19.

My grandfather was shy and reserved, but an incredibly intelligent man. He did not bear fools or foolishness well.  He worked in the oil and gas business and did well.  My grandmother was the post-mistress (as they called them back in the day) of their small Appalachian town.  I suppose now-a-days they might be called hillbillies.  But they were high school educated, honorable people who knew what loyalty and faithfulness meant.  Their integrity was above reproach.  Family was central to their lives, second only to their Methodist faith.

They tried for over 10 years to start a family.  When my grandmother finally became pregnant they were ecstatic.  Back in the early 1940’s when my mother was born, the father was not allowed in the delivery room and was not immediately allowed in the hospital room after delivery.  To catch a glimpse of my grandmother, my grandfather climbed the fire escape outside the hospital so he could look in the window.  He remained on the fire escape gazing from afar until they let him in the room to see my grandmother in person.

My grandmother had a difficult pregnancy, and it was soon decided she would have a hysterectomy, making my mother an only child.

After my mother’s birth, my grandmother became a full-time mother.  My grandmother was also the caregiver of ailing family members who lived in the family home.  Because the house was full, a couple of days a week my grandfather would ask that my mother be dressed and ready for him to take out on adventures when he came home from work. This soon became a routine my mother anticipated with great eagerness.

My mother did well in school and had a small, close-knit group of friends.  Throughout her school age years my mother battled her weight and was at times picked on because of it.  However, in high school she gained control of her weight and blossomed into a what people often referred to as a beautiful woman.

After high school, she attended junior college and received an Associate Degree.  She then attended the vocation training program my father attended.  She graduated at the top of her class.  She was very successful in her career and by the time she retired, after 35 years, she held the highest position possible in her given field.

My maternal grandparents idolized my mother and thus never made her do anything hard or uncomfortable.  She was raised as a southern debutante and as she matured she refused to relinquish that mentality.  She loved being seen by others as important, treated as extraordinarily special and praised for every infinitely small action taken.  I remember one time when I was about 7 years old we went to visit my maternal grandparents unexpectedly, on the spur of the moment.  They were so happy to see us.  I will never forget they were preparing two steaks for the grill, they had an extra potato to bake and said we would share it all and there would be plenty for everyone.  My mother became infuriated because no one offered to go to the grocery to buy a steak for her.  We got back in the car and drove 100 miles home after visiting 30 minutes.  This type of perceived slight happened often and would send her into a victim tailspin.

My maternal grandparents were incredibly generous people.  Throughout their lives, anytime they felt my mother needed something that was not being provided, they provided it.  One example would be when my grandfather retired, to celebrate his retirement, he bought my mother a dishwasher, so she would not have to hand wash dishes any longer.  They had a way of making everything in their lives revolved around my mother, even when it didn’t.

My parents were married in a large Catholic wedding in a beautiful cathedral.  The wedding party was 24 strong.  I heard it was breathtaking and one of the social events of the spring in the southern town where it was held.  They went to the beach on their honeymoon, accompanied by one of my father’s friends, which always struck me as a bizarre novelty.

After their honeymoon, they returned to their home and quickly began experiencing a flurry of fights, screaming, yelling, innuendos, hurled objects, broken dishes and doors.  My father would manipulate my mother by degrading her and emotionally abusing her.  My mother would manipulate my father by withholding sex.

Inexplicably, the oil and water partnership that is my parent’s marriage has survived, though it has never thrived.  They remain married, for better or worse. There has been suspicion of my father’s infidelity, but it was swept under the rug.  I once asked my mother if she ever considered divorce.  She responded “divorce no … murder maybe”.  To this day, I am still uncertain how to interpret the slight smirk which crossed her face when she said it.

 

 

 

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The Thinnest Thread

Humans have told stories since the beginning of time.  History, family and culture, have been passed down from generation to generation through storytelling.  Stories affirm who we are, and allow us to experience the similarities and differences between ourselves and others.  Stories help us find meaning in our lives.  Stories help us learn from the experiences of others and if we are wise we will learn from both the mistakes and the triumphs of others.

In that vein, I want to share part of a very personal and intimate story.  It is a topic few are comfortable discussing, which is why I am sharing it.  It is a story of my struggle with suicidal ideation and hanging on by the thinnest of threads.

The first question most people will ask is “what happened”?  The strange but true answer is, it does not matter what happened.  The circumstances surrounding this 10 months of emotional hell is nothing but window dressing.  It matters not who betrayed me or why.  Who lied to me or about me and why. Or the numbers of friendships that have been damaged beyond repair.  None of that matters.  What matters is how I arrived at such a dark place and how I climbed out of that pit and began wanting to live this adventure called life again.

While I have struggled with depression my entire life, when the darkness descended I was happily married, gainfully employed, a member of a wonderful community of faith, was financially sound and had a small group of intimate and loyal friends.  I was coming off a period of 5 or so years of unimaginable stress, filled with a personal cancer diagnosis, eleven surgeries, several deaths of family and friends, moving twice, building a home, planning a wedding, getting married, totaling a vehicle, a pet being killed, two other pets dying, having my niece move in with us, then my mother-in-law moving in with us, etc.  But by August 2017, life had finally started to settle down and was looking brighter.   Then the phone rang.

The information I received during that phone call was unbelievable and an extreme distortion of facts.  I was shocked.  My character was being assassinated.  The professional reputation I had spent 31 years building without a single complaint, and dozens of commendations, was being drug through the mud.  I sobbed as I have rarely sobbed before.

This transpired on a Friday.  By Monday I had convinced myself it would blow over and those whom personally knew me would see through the untruths and half-truths.  But by the following Monday, after no movement had been made in my situation, I determined I could not take the pain, the sting of betrayal and could not possibly be strong enough to defend myself against the evil lies and exaggerations.  Subsequently, I made phone calls to confirm the death payout of my life insurance policy.  I wanted to confirm how much my wife would receive upon my death.  Sadly, with a brand new home, the death benefit was not enough to leave my wife financially secure.

Let me be clear, before I go any further … I never wanted to die. I wanted … no I needed … the pain to stop.  Suicide is rarely about wanting to die, rather it is about a deep commitment to stopping pain by any possible means.

One morning the following week, I found myself in our bedroom closet with a 9mm gun in my hand, inserting the magazine.  As I stood there, it was as if I was watching myself in slow motion from outside of my body.  My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the garage door open and realized my wife who had previously left for work, was returning to the house for some unknown reason.  I quickly returned the gun and the magazine to the case and sat down on a stool in the closet.  That was the first time I realized I loved my wife more than I hated myself.  The next morning I told my wife she should remove the gun from the house.  Which she did … and the first knot was tied in the thinnest of threads to which I was clinging.

Early the following week, I had the thought it might be easier for my wife if I died on a day the housekeeper was coming, so she would not find me or have to deal with the EMT’s, police, etc.  The housekeeper was scheduled for Tuesday of the following week.  I decided that would be the day.  I would have my wife take our dogs to day care and once she left I would close the master bedroom door, take a cocktail of sedatives and go back to bed.  I had the pills ready and set aside in old prescription bottle and I had purchased juice at the grocery store to hopefully help the pills not upset my stomach.  However, as I have often heard, the devil is in the details.  Monday before the “day” the housekeeper texted and cancelled saying she was going out-of-town to help a family member and did not know exactly when she would return.

As one day turned into another, then into another week, I found myself riding around town searching for places to die.  I located a park that seemed private.  I could park in the back, be found by a stranger and the police would be called.  This would be the easiest for my wife.

Looking back it is insane how much my suicidal ideation was seen through the lens of how it would affect my wife.  I was attempting to be protective of her, even as I was planning to carry out an act that would devastate her.  Which supports the fact it is impossible to make rational sense out of something irrational.

One day, as I was riding around town, I stopped at a local grocery store to buy a few items.  From the parking lot of the store I called a friend.  I am not sure why I made that call, but I did.  I began to tell her how I was feeling and that I could not take the pain any longer, but I was struggling with leaving my wife with a new mortgage debt.  She stopped what she was doing.  She talked to me about an hour and then prayed for me.  It was one of the sweetest prayers I ever heard.  That one small act on her part, took the edge off and I got through another day … and another knot was tied.

One morning shortly afterwards, a neighbor called and asked me to join her on her morning walk.   I did not want to go on a walk, but for some reason I said sure.  We walked an hour, talked a little, but mostly just walked.  For that one hour I was convinced I mattered to her, which gave me a glimmer of hope. At the end of the walk, she asked if I wanted to walk the next morning.  I said I did.  We have walked every morning, weather and schedule permitting, since that first walk.  That one small act of kindness, started many dark days on a brighter note.  There were, and still are, many days that morning walk makes a huge difference and sets the tone for my entire day … and another knot was tied.

After roughly two weeks of walking, I called and made an appointment with my pastor.  I am not sure what I looked like when I walked into her office that day, but I do remember asking her if it was a safe place.  She affirmed it was and gave me her undivided attention.  During the course of our meeting she offered to go with me to the hospital if I needed/wanted in-patient help.  That one small act of kindness made a huge difference.  We met routinely after that first meeting.  To know she would walk beside me in the valley, without condemning me, profoundly moved me.  In the days to come, she treated me in the same loving way as always, without any condemnation.  She did not treat me as a broken person who needed fixing, but rather a wounded person who needed healing.  She helped me feel worthy of love … and subsequently worthy of life … and another knot was tied.

My pastor gave me the name of two therapists.  One name was the same therapist my friend with whom I walk gave me.  I called and made an appointment with her.  The compassion and empathy of the therapist touched my heart deeply and made me feel safe.  I began seeing her multiple times a week.  As time progressed I moved to seeing her weekly. Now, some 10-months later, I am still seeing her monthly and participating in group therapy … and another knot was tied.

As time went by and the suicidal ideation began to subside, I no longer fixated on ways to kill myself, but on a bad day I would purposely do something risky, hoping I would get “lucky” and accidentally die.    Most of this revolved around taking increasing amounts of medication before bed and hoping I would not wake up the next morning.  Other days I contemplated stopping my cancer treatment and let nature take its course.

On one of my more clear thinking days, I created a safety plan.  This plan consisted of what I could do if suicidal ideation began to creep back into my mind.  The plan listed things to do and people to call until the ideation passed.  I shared this plan with my intimate, inner circle and it served me well.  It was helpful to me to have a plan of what to do before it was needed, so I did not have to rely on clear thinking in the midst of pain.  This was also an extra step in me taking personal responsibility for my mental health … and another knot was tied.

As far as that distant incident goes, looking back 10 months later, it was one of the top 5 best things that has ever happened to me.  It helped cleanse the palet of my life, unlike anything else could.  Now my life is much more free and peaceful.

I learned several lessons from this experience.  First, there is no shame in suicidal ideation.  There is no shame in depression or any mental health condition.  There is no shame in taking medication for mental health conditions.  The only way the stigma surrounding mental health issues can be overcome is through honest communication, transparency and vulnerability.  Most people are not comfortable talking about suicide.  It is my hope that by sharing part of my story, I will encourage someone else to feel safe telling his/her story.  To reach out, to stop the downward spiral by shining light on the darkness.

Secondly, I did not become suicidal because of one incident.  Generally, no one becomes suicidal after one event.  I now know it was a lifetime of holding things in and stuffing emotions.  It was a lifetime of refusing to be vulnerable with others.  It was a lifetime of trying to control my emotions and wanting to seem to be ok, when in fact there were (and are) times I am not okay.  It was a lifetime of not comprehending it is okay to not be okay.  It was a lifetime of consistently putting the needs of others before my own.  I now understand completely why we are told on airplanes to put our oxygen masks on first, before helping others.  Without proper care, we are unable to help ourselves or others.

Because of my neglect of my emotional and mental health, my tool box of emotional resources and coping skills was completely empty when this incident happened.  When this straw, fell on the back of the camel, the only resources remaining were instinctual and primitive.  With emotional pain building at an increasing rate, and with my resources depleted, the only option to stop the pain was to stop breathing, stop waking up, and stop participating in life.

Thirdly, I am a giver by nature and unfortunately never cultivated the skill of comfortably receiving from others.  That combined with having developed a pattern of surrounding myself with acquaintances whom are takers, set up the perfect storm of emotional collapse. I am now learning, through therapy, how to receive things from other people.  How to allow people to love me, support me, and care for me.  I am also learning how to stop running to the rescue of others, but rather help them help themselves.

Fourthly, it was necessary for me to cut dead weight from my life.  It is impossible to champion every cause.  It is impossible to meet every need I encounter.  It is impossible to live a life as a giver and never receive.  It is impossible to be all things to all people.  I must decide what are my priorities and values and live a life which reflects those.  I must learn to say no when appropriate.  I must learn to be motivated from within, and not pressured from without.

Lastly, I am learning it is of the utmost importance to stay in-tune with my feelings and to insist on authentic, transparent conversation with those whom are in my inner, intimate circle.  I have to be honest with myself to be honest with those around me.  While I was responsible for doing the work of getting to a better place; small, consistent acts of kindness by others made all the difference.  With every knot that was tied in my thin thread, the thread became stronger.

Mental health conditions and emotional pain should not be taboo subjects.  By keeping them in the dark, we give them a sinister power over our lives.  It is time to be open and honest, speaking truth to the fear of vulnerability.

If someone you love is suffering from a mental health condition and/or is in emotional pain, know you do not need to “fix” anything.  You simply need to do consistent acts of kindness to let them know they are not alone.  In essence, unless you are a mental health professional, all you need to do is be a genuine friend.  Please do not be afraid to reach out to them.  Love them well through human contact, but remember they must do the work to change or manage their situation.

If you are suffering from a mental health condition and/or are in emotional pain, reach out for help.  Reach out with the same confidence you would if you were in physical pain.  Please do not let the darkness overtake you.  Your pain matters.  It does get better.  You are loved.  You are enough.  You story is of infinite importance.

If you find yourself alone and in need of someone to talk with, the information below can be helpful:

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Suicide Text: Text HOME to 741741

Suicide Support for Hearing Impaired:  1-800-799-4889

Learn to love yourself well … you are worth it